So I’m going to take this on another direction. This has been building for the last few weeks now and I have been denial I suppose.
There I said it.
Depression is something that my family has suffered with in the past and currently. Particularly myself in recent weeks.
I have all the tells.
Mood Swings (crying at everything at anytime) – Irritability (snapping at my kids) – Apatite Changes (not wanting to eat at all to eating everything within sight) – Sleep Issues (sleeping too little to sleeping too much / of nice bag of both) – Lack of Motivation (I just don’t care/ let me go hid) Lack of Focus (I have ADD, so this is hard to judge at times) – Forgetfulness (again this can be hard for me to gauge because well I’m a bit of a dist anyway)
This is just a short list, the biggest tell is when all these things start to effect your daily life and are just plain getting in the way.
To say it’s a bit overwhelming is a understatement.
For me it is a mixed bag, I am currently at a point were this IS a problem and I know I need help. Which is what I did this morning by calling a doctor – now that experience is something of a whole other conversation, so I’ll save that for later. Let’s just say when trying to find help for mental illness there are no huge neon signs anywhere screaming…HELP IS THIS WAY!
Today was the worst day so far, or at least today was a wake up call to take some action.
I woke with a headache, no big it happens. It’s the uncontrollable crying that took me off guard. I mean I’m folding clothes about to head out the door for work and I’m crying and I can’t stop. I manage to get myself to work and take that 15 minute drive into work and what happens I start to cry again. I mean I’m not talking about full blown sobbing or anything but WTF.
See crying bothers me, for me it’s a sign of weakness or a show of vulnerability. Please don’t get me wrong I have no problem with anyone else crying or showing emotion, in fact I think it’s great but for whatever twisted reason I hate myself when I do. I feel helpless and weak, like a typical “girl”. I suppose this reasoning for the previous jobs and the current one I have. I work in a male dominated business and I can not be no damn “pussy” (insert Betty White quote here on “pussy”). Anger for feeling this way when so many others are so much worse off, what right do I have to feel this way.
This sort of entails my thoughts on depression and how I am currently feeling.
I feel dumb. I feel weak. I feel like I should be able to fix this.
But I know I can’t.
Ugh. I hate this. I have seen the dark side of metal illness, with the struggles my own daughters battle and to my mother. I have personal felt and I have seen first hand of what the medication can do, good & bad. I have seen the extreme side of mental illness, it is not an easy pill to swallow.
All this being said I know I need help, and I just pray it’s somethings as simple as me just needing to “talk it out”.
You see I use to take medication for my ADHD when I was in 2nd grade all the way to about 10th grade (about the time I dropped out of school). Good old Ritalin, then in middle/jr high I was still taking the Ritalin along with Prozac. I joke now and say I didn’t know if I was coming or going.
When I dropped out and left town, I took myself off the drugs. I hated how they made me feel…numb. I got back on the antidepressants again after the horrible split with my two older children’s father. That was a very dark time, I was a shitty mother – I was just not there mentally (or really physically for that matter) and the drugs like Wellbutrin and Prozac to name a few didn’t seem to help at all. I stopped taking the meds all together when I tried to over dose with my then 5 and 6 year old at the time right in living room. I was so violently sick and not to mention afraid of my kids see me dead on the floor and them fending for themselves, I made myself throw up. After that I was done, for a while I wouldn’t even take Tylenol for a headache.
Bottom line. I don’t want meds but if I have to than so be it.
Today was a bottom for me, so I called and made an appointment for a therapist.
Let’s hope for the best.
Appointment tomorrow Friday at 1:15.
To be continued……